Happiness is...

The Beatles were wrong.  Happiness is not a warm gun, it's your 11 week old giving you a big smile as you pick her up from her first day of daycare.  All week I was wishing I could stop time so that I didn't have to go back to work, and keep Pays at home all day.  I was wishing the days to go by slower and slower, but it wouldn't work.  Or if I had a DeLorean so I could back in time.  But I couldn't make that happen either.  I've slept pretty crappy all week; not being able to get to sleep thinking about being seperated from her for a *gasp* a whole five hours.

Last night I was gathering up everything for Heath so he could take her to daycare this morning.  I wrote her name on her formula container, diapers, wipes and water jug.  Made sure there was an extra outfit in the diaper bag, wrote out a schedule to use as a rough guideline so that they knew when she did her napping, eating, basic routine, etc.  As we were crawling into bed last night, the damn burst and it seemed that almost instantly a box of tissues were gone.  I felt like such a moron, after all, it was only going to be for five hours, but me being me, I thought of how they don't know her mannerisms and worse case scenarios started to pop into my head.  Scenarios that would probably never happen.  Who thinks of dogs running rampant through a daycare center?  These last three months I kept telling myself that I know what happens at a daycare, and it won't be THAT hard, but then I began to realize that I only know what happens at my mom's daycare.  Not all daycares are the same.

As Heath left with Payton, I did probably what every mother has done, and watched him through the window as he loaded her up in the truck and drove away.  I began thinking of what I was going to do until I had to pick her up at noon, but falling asleep thinking about it, I decided to go back to bed and sleep it off just like an alcoholic sleeps it off the day after St. Patricks Day, or....everyday.  I didn't think it was going to be possible to fall asleep with the house so quiet but 10 minutes after I started watching Regis and Kelly, which has become my morning routine for the last 90 days, I drifted off to la la land and woke up at 11!  I quickly showered, and got ready doing hair and make up, probably the fastest I have ever done so, and was ready by 11:30. 

I picked Payton up around noon and when they handed her to me, she gave me the biggest smile!  I looked around the infant room and realized that she was just fine and the daycare does a great job.  I know there's nothing for me to worry about when we leave her there and I have the upmost faith in the daycare and their employees.  It's just hard being seperated.  But knowing what I'll have to come home to will be the biggest and best highlight of my day, to see that wonderful smile on Payton's face as I walk in the door. 

The 11th week

Today Payton is 11 weeks old.  That means that next Monday is my first day back at work.  I'm pretty much not looking forward to not being able to spend all day everyday with my little girl.  I've been watching her, and watching all of the new things that she discovers; discovering her tongue and sticking it out, realizing she can bat at objects, her cute squeals when laying on her playmat, holding and talking to her after she eats looking like she's desperately trying to have an adult conversation with me.  I'm finally to the point to where I can leave her alone with mine and Heath's parents and my sister and be okay with it.  Now I have to get used to leaving her with people who've never met her, hoping she gets the attention she needs in the 10 hours a day she'll be at daycare.  I am put a little at ease since we know the people who work at the daycare center, atleast they're not strangers to Heath and I.  I know as the week progresses, it'll be more difficult for me to come to the realization that I am going back to work, but it has to happen.  There's no way that I could stay home with only one income for our family, but if I could I would.  Who can leave this face: